Everyone keeps talking about how they’re all growing up faster and faster, but it doesn’t seem to me like Carla’s going fast. For one, she’s still scared of so many things. Lately it’s been witches. She still has a snotrag, which she carries around the house. Where most kids might have a blanket they hang onto for years and years, Carla keeps one of my old pyjama shirts and walks around the house with it, every now and then rubbing it across her nose. I spend enough effort just convincing her to let me give it a wash; I don’t know how I’ll get her to throw it away. I made her throw out all Jean’s old shirts she used to use as snotrags when they were nothing more than tatty shreds of alarmingly firm cotton. I have to admit, despite how truly repulsive they were by then, I was also sorry to see them go. They were the last things in the house that smelled like Jean. That’s why Carla liked them too, I know. But that was a while ago now, and Tate has long since planted his own smell in the house – the permanent smell of one of those people who have never touched a cologne or deodorant stick in their life. It’s very different to how the house used to be, which has to be good.
Tate’s been around almost a year now. He doesn’t live with us yet, and we haven’t talked to Carla about this possibility either. But we should, because it might happen sometime soon. He’s here every other night. I do that classic Hollywood thing when I wake up now, on mornings when he isn’t there: I’m sleeping with my arm out to the side, and when I wake up I realise that there should be someone there who I’m holding, and I’m surprised there’s no one. With Jean, I used to be unable to sleep too close to her. I’ve always been like that. When sleeping with anyone I lie a fair distance away, otherwise I stay awake. But I did like to hold my arm out with my hand on her back, or her torso, so I could feel someone there. But now, with Tate, that’s changed too.
I’ve been commissioned by Carla’s school to design them a new school hall. It’s been a long time since I’ve really had to focus like this. I used to listen to the radio when I was at the drawing board, but I can’t do that anymore. Sometimes I just get up and walk around for no good reason, but usually there’s no one else here – luckily, I suppose – so I have to go back to working.
Carla’s school and I are on good rapport. I’ve been going to P&C meetings, which is also something I never used to do. I’ve got just about my only friends there, besides Tate. I do turn up late though. It’s because I like the feeling of walking through the school at night, in between all the dark buildings on stilts, and I’m moving towards the only one where there’s any light, and I can hear people’s voices. At night you can’t see the silly colours those classrooms are painted or the rust on their naff metal windowsills. Sometimes I suppose I need the space to be alone, with nothing tying me down. This is my bit of time where there are no obligations.
Carla doesn’t usually talk about school, but when we were on the drive home the other day she started telling me about what her teacher said that morning in class. I like Carla’s teacher this year. She’s a bright, curiously intense woman in her early thirties who’s been at the school nearly all her working life. According to Carla, she’d been talking about the Iraq debacle during maths time. So Carla came home very spritely, telling me about this highlight in her day and asking questions about Iraq. I was careful, always thinking how much I should subject her to. She may not have listened to any of my answers, or Tate’s few interjections. But then, kids take in a lot that they don’t seem to be taking in, even if it tends to go off into some wildly different compartment in their imagination. She’s said a few times recently that she’d like to know what it’s like to be shot. If you start really talking to her about it, or asking her why, she says, “No, I’m just kidding, just kidding.” Then she changes the topic or leaves.
It was Carla’s thirteenth birthday recently. We watched a whole heap of videos. I can’t bring myself to get out those awful teen movies they make these days. They’re vile, and thankfully she hasn’t really shown any interest in them. However I did get a copy of Fast Times At Ridgemont High to test on her. She watched the whole thing silently, while Tate and I laughed. She seemed quietly intrigued to me. She went to the toilet a lot during the movie, though. Don’t know what that meant.
“Could you shut the toilet door?” Tate kept asking Carla. I knew he was only asking her because it’s what I do. I’ve noticed a lot of that. Sometimes he’ll look over at me, presumably to measure my approval, but then what do you do? I pretend I don’t really notice. I’ve been forced to admit to myself I really don’t know what kind of role I’d want Tate to have with Carla, parenting her and all. But then, maybe it’s not mine to dictate.
After watching way too many movies, Tate and I ate some leftover food and talked. Carla didn’t want to go to bed yet, and seeing as it was her birthday I let her stay up. Pretty quickly she got bored listening to us talk and lay down on the living room couch, trying to keep her eyes open. Tate started talking about that instance of political fingerpointing at Playschool – the TV show – that happened not long ago, the episode when they showed a ‘child with two mums’ and all the Libs got mighty upset about it.
“You know I’m sick of all these arguments about whether or not children should be subjected to politics so young,” he was saying. “That’s not what it’s about, it’s just a diversion they’ve thrown in. You know, it’s as if what they’re calling politics is somehow separable from life. Everyone’s always been subjected to politics. Every decision we make is at the same time a political one and a philosophical one, and we can’t pretend it’s anything else.” He paused and picked some wood off the table, thinking. Although I considered asking him not to pick the wood, I knew I probably shouldn’t say anything yet; he was about to start speaking again. He looked up. “And this whole idea of innocence, we should let them have their innocence, let them set the pace – as if they’re asking not to know about diversity, sure guys – I mean, why do we want to hang onto this idea of innocence? See, and this idea of the family as an isolated sphere of influence, as a tiny indestructible unit… this… this romantic notion that the parents should decide when they tell their progeny about certain things, and they’ll create a person that way how they want it. You know? Why do we want to believe in that so much? It’s fiction – it’s a complete fiction. We never used to hold them back. I mean look at, say, Brothers Grimm fairy tales, not that long ago. Now we’re afraid of letting kids know anything that we don’t – it’s so backwards. So they’ve got to do it themselves. Anyway, they’re excuses, all excuses, conservative excuses. But you’ve got to ask, why do we want them?” He finished.
“I think Carla’s gone to sleep.”
“Nighthawk Eleven to Wobbly Wombat,” he said, which is just about Tate’s favourite thing to say. “Do you read me?” I still haven’t asked where that expression came from, but I think it’s peculiar to him and him only. I used to find it annoying, but now I’m used to it I think it’s cute.
“No, I know what you’re saying,” I told him. I tried to reiterate what he’d just said.
“Yes. Well, not quite, I’ll explain anyway – you have to understand – let me explain myself.”
Which he did. It was cute.
Tate has a friend (an ex-boyfriend) called Christopher who was also there earlier that evening. He doesn’t like being called Chris though – you have to call him Christopher. He says he just doesn’t like the name Chris. It took a while for me to stop calling him Chris. At first I couldn’t get the hang of it, but he just laughed at me.
Christopher’s one of those Mr Amazing guys, capital M, capital A. M for mature and A for artistic. He’s younger than both of us, and more gregarious I suppose you could say. I imagine him to be a bit of a social butterfly, and so sometimes I wonder why he spends his time around us old folks. He’s religious too. When I found that out it turned me off a bit, but then I observed how much he seemed confused about his own Christianity. Sometimes he has a hard time reconciling it with his politics. Still, he can talk anyone into the ground, and I can’t decide if he ever gets boring or not. Despite how interested I am I pretend I’m not, and I don’t ask him anything about his faith. I think he’s Anglican. I also have to admit he and Tate go well together, especially when they really get arguing.
Another night a couple of weeks ago one of us three had the bright idea to all get drunk, so we gathered at my place and had dinner. Actually we didn’t even touch a drop, we just sat around talking, but Christopher had come over in Tate’s car, thus he didn’t have his own car with him and I had to drive him home. He did most of the talking, but I couldn’t tell if he was just filling the empty air so it wouldn’t be so uncomfortable. He sounded as bubbly and interested as he did most of the time when he opened his mouth. I realised I had no idea what he thought about me, or whether or not I liked him. He started asking me questions just before I reached his house.
“How’s Tate getting along with Carla?” he tried first.
“Yeah, fine,” I said. But I felt compelled to say more. I said, “It’s just I’m not sure how Carla’s getting on with other people, especially the other kids at her school.”
There was a time at the beginning of the relationship when Carla seemed fascinated by Tate, and kept asking him questions. At times I wasn’t sure if she was just using this rather aggressive sociability as some sort of a test for Tate, or a defensive gesture. But after a while she stopped talking to him so much, and now she can be quite short with him, even when he’s being extra nice to her. She still seems, at the moment, especially fascinated with Christopher. She’s started asking him all the questions.
For some reason I ended up telling Christopher that I wasn’t sure what Tate was doing with me, or why Tate had chosen this grief-stricken single dad to cling onto. Most people would run a mile. Was he thinking of staying? Sitting in the car outside Christopher’s house, he told me he thought Tate liked Carla a lot more than I probably knew, and enjoyed negotiating the responsibility of taking on a parenting role with her. I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting him to say Tate had really fallen for me, and that’s why he’s still around. I watched Christopher run across the road and half jog up the steps to his house – an old, narrow, grey weatherboard affair, packed in tightly against the others on the street. It also had a forbidding steel fence out the front, but the whole thing was kind of quaint in the daytime. All the lights were off inside, and there was darkness coming out of the windows. I wondered if he lived with anyone. He swiftly disappeared inside. I might have seen him wave from the shadows in the landing, perhaps to say everything was all right. I kind of felt obliged to watch and make sure he made it in safely. Then I left.
When I got home Tate was already asleep, so I drank by myself. I heated up some sake because it was so cold that night, and had to force myself to drink past the second. But I’ve always hated drinking alone. Drinking alone feels directionless.
I put on one of Tate’s new age music tapes that he kept for late at night. It wasn’t bad, under the circumstances.
I remember the day the last time Jean went into hospital. I was on the phone about to organise someone to pick Carla up from school when she came in through the front door. It was the middle of a school day. She was in tears. She must have noticed me looking shocked, because straight away she said:
“I’ve never punched anyone before.” Then she looked at me in anticipation, and gradually she seemed to realise there was something else going on here, or that I’d actually looked shocked before she even walked in. I put down the phone and told her straight away.
“Mum’s in hospital again. We’ve got to go, right now.” I tried to wipe my mind clean and watch her closely for just one second, but it was so awkward. We stood facing each other completely motionless. It felt a bit like we were cowboys having a showdown; only then I noticed she was looking the other way. We both began moving at the same time, quickly. “Who did you punch?” I asked, replacing the phone on the kitchen counter then picking up my keys, taking my coat off a stool, draping it over my arm. I walked over to Carla who was drawing a school jumper tentatively from her bag. I kissed her on the top of her head and walked out towards the car.
Carla followed me outside, but didn’t answer my question. Perhaps she knew I wouldn’t be able to listen to any response she gave me – I’d kind of made myself look distracted and absent so she wouldn’t say anything. I had that vague awareness that it was something important, but I had to put it aside and deal with it later. Punching someone? She was home three hours early. Carla pulled the front door closed and we both got into the car.
Sometimes I get the feeling that I’m excluding Carla from myself and what’s going on in my life. All the real problems I deal with – I shield her too much from real life. But that’s only normal, thinking that. At the time I wondered if she thought there was some private world of feeling I have and don’t share with anyone, except maybe Jean. I started the engine and backed out into the street. I knew I was totally expressionless. She probably thought I was oblivious to my own emotions. In fact, certainly she did. Kids think about these things. I wonder if she even wanted to be a part of my life?
I stole a glance at Carla while driving. I was relieved to notice she looked just as absent as me. Her cheeks had scarlet spots all over and she looked cold. I turned my eyes back to the road and told her to put her jumper on. She was obviously imagining: Jean must be pretty bad this time. But I pushed that aside too, because just getting to the hospital was enough to deal with.
I also remember being in the hospital waiting room, sharing this surreal moment with a whole lot of remote strangers, all keeping to themselves. A few of us were watching the television. In my peripheral vision, I could tell Carla had her fists clenched and her jaw locked. She was incredibly tense and a bit shaky. I stroked her back, which seemed to calm her down a bit, but I couldn’t concentrate for long, and turned to watch the TV again. Time stretched itself out real long.
All of a sudden I could feel Carla’s eyes on my back, the poor girl. But I couldn’t look away from the television. I couldn’t be certain what would happen if I looked away from the TV. I remember what was on. It was in the days after the Bali bombing, and there were still constant updates about who lived and who died, who they were looking for, and elementary background info on possible culprits and extremist Islamic groups. Jemaah Islamiah was slowly becoming a household name. I remember very clearly watching a little snippet of Alexander Downer giving some address, and I was trying to focus on him (I usually don’t) in the middle of the hospital with my daughter’s eyes behind me, and there was this tense energy emanating from us both, and all around in that room people waiting and sucking on their lips and looking worried. It was truly horrible, like in that room you had to take on everyone else’s worries, and them yours. You didn’t want a collective responsibility; you just wanted to calmly deal with the dilemmas that had been allotted to you.
It was one of those times where all of the things you can’t control in your life, and seemingly in other peoples’ lives, all come to a head, and everything you go through really sticks in your memory. That’s how come I remember it all so clearly. Jean wasn’t gone until a few months later. Plus, these days I’ve been thinking about it a lot, only naturally I suppose. I could at least allow myself that.
I did find out what Carla meant about punching someone. Apparently she had a scuffle with some boy at school, who was making sure that she couldn’t play any of the games with his ‘group’, and he’d also managed to turn all of his friends against her. He sounded like one of those disturbed bully kids who rule the roost in their playground politics. On that day they were having an argument, and she resorted to punching him in the gut, and then she immediately ran home from school. The school dealt with it really well, I was really very pleased. Instead of punishing either of them, they took part in a whole lot of mediating sessions with the two part-time counsellors there.
Sometimes I think the pollies need the same treatment, only in reverse: they need to be put back in the playground to remember the effects of their actions.
This morning I was driving Carla to school. Tate was with me, in the back seat. On the way there Carla said, “Oops – I just locked the door.” The lock on the passenger side gets stiff when you press it down, and she isn’t strong enough yet to unlock it by herself. I told her it was okay.
I pulled up over the road from the gate at the quiet side of the school. I stopped the car and no one spoke for a while. I realised I had to unlock the door for Carla. I leaned over her and as I brushed past, I noticed her trembling. I was sure she was going to tell me she felt sick. She tried to tell me she was sick every other morning. I unlocked the door and watched her as she looked out my window, over at the school playground where a few lots of kids had started to congregate in groups and spread out over the schoolyard. She stopped trembling, opened the door and got out. Great! Progress was being made.
In a display of solidarity, I got out of the car and walked her across the road.
“See ya,” I said as she went in.
“See you at home,” she said, and I watched her pick a path in amongst the groups of kids, avoiding every one of them, and then she disappeared into the library building.
I walked back to the car. Tate had gotten into the front seat, and when I climbed in, he wanted to kiss. I just wanted to break down. I held him tight for a while. He was smart enough not to say anything on the drive back home.